circumlocutrix

you are alone in your room and you can feel the HEAT of all the eyes on you it never goes away it's supposed to be a mask but where is your face? it hurts hurts hurts hurts hurts and you're so so so tired tired tired and why why why what do you need what should you do how can you be ok were you ever ok will you ever be ok again? Everything is good! Things are going well! You should be happy Why aren't you happy There's a crick in your neck - no, not that side, the other side - well yes both sides, then - no maybe it's the back - maybe it's just everywhere It hurts, being alive, but that's how you know you're still alive, right? Your partner needs care and you want to give it to them and you try to give it to them but then they feel guilty because they know you need care too but they need care right now and you always need care you always need care always They worry they're too much but you've learned that people project everything they feel in the most unintuitive ways - they

my grandfather was dying and my father began to get his affairs in order he told me that if he should pass (and his wife my stepmother simultaneously) that I would have to take care of my siblings (my new siblings still too small to take care of themselves) and that I would get the house (with rooms enough for eight people to live uncomfortably) and the business (a family practice with job openings for two new doctors) some time later I told my father that I was his daughter we will always love you my stepmother said (I cannot know now if she truly meant it) for christmas my father told me that I was a stranger strangers are not welcome in my home my father said (if I was not his oldest son I must be a stranger) I haven't asked him but I wonder if I'll stil get the house on the hill that he's chosen to die on.